E G O S P E W

At my annual physical yesterday, which I get exactly every two years or so, I finished the process with a stint in the room where you play with the chemistry set, pouring secret brightly colored mixtures from flask to test tube.

Just above the porcelain retort appeared a little advice on the wall: “Notify Staff If Toilet Dysfunctions”. I appreciate this doctor’s clean and modern facilities and was touched by the thoughtful reminder to remain socially aware if things run amiss — while not loading on the responsibility quite as much as the airplane bathrooms that request you run a sponge around the place after your visit.

But it seems to me this notice was constructed by someone who spends too much time in a doctor’s office. Or maybe they did indeed intend a situational pun but possess a too-gentle sense of humor and their Brother P-touch couldn’t make a smiley face.

Anyway, the gears of my inner linguist began to grind, churning out alternative versions of the sign, all as syntactically correct as humanly possible:

• Notify Staff If Toilet Malfunctions.
• Notify Staff If Toilet Becomes Dysfunctional.
• Notify Staff In Case of Ejectile Dysfunction (the toilet’s not yours . . .which in your case would be Erectile Dysfunction and you should also tell us about it! Even Vice Presidents can’t perform sometimes.)
• If Toilet Sticks, Wiggle the Flushometer.
• If the toilet through mere obstinacy refuses to perform as desired, please understand. It is not sentient.
• If You See Something, Say Something.
• Flush Failure? Inform Authorities!
• In Case Of FAILURE,
  BREAK ASS
  Running in Opposite Direction.

Or words to that effect.