Archive for November, 2007
Ldawg and the Freeffel Twoer
by Ego on Nov.20, 2007, under NewSpew, SciFaux, fr3^kR@N7
Ldawg.4377 scowled at the shimmering image of the vidAAAgent® so in his face. “I want a wucking window! And not over a wucking wing!”
The unflappable vidAAAgent replied in soothing but rapid synthesized tones. His/her accent was gender-neutral and the perfect non-specific mid-national blend, neither too Chicago nor too Mumbai. “No problem. Please take note: Window-locations-present-increased-radiation-levels-potential, which-have-been-demonstrated-in-non-trivial-samples-to-cause-genetic-mutations-and-cancer. Some-mutations-are-beneficial. Notice-ID ISO-3-7-7-2-1-dot-9. I can offer positions 47-A or 233-Gamma.”
“Gucking Gamma? The Greek side of the pucking plane? Nope. No way. I want my A. Left side, baby. Pucking posh, all the way.” Then Gamma return. See the sucking city going out. See it again coming home. Gotta catch France’s second liberty gift, the condolence for 9/11-2: the Eiffel Twoer, an exact lifesize stainless steel replica of the one à Paris. Built on Freedom Tower’s ashes. Freeffel Twoer. Hmm. Too many tragedies. Way too. “Yeah, 47-A. . .BOOK. . .SEAT. . .47-A. . . . PLEASE. How many complimentary pretzel pellets I get?”
“No problem. You have reserved seat 47-A. That flight comes with Class4 amenities: Recycled water is supplied in times of demonstrated medical emergency only. Pretzel pellets are an optional extra. Please acknowledge by stating I Accept.”
“I ucking accept! Yuck.”
“Please acknowledge by stating I Accept.”
“I. . .ACCEPT! You tucking turd!”
“Thank you. Would you like to order optional pretzel pellets for an additional charge?”
“Are you nuts?”
“I’m sorry. Nuts are no longer available. Would you like to order optional pretzel pellets for an additional charge?”
“UCK YOU.”
“I’m sorry. I detect stress in you vocal kinetics. Please remain patient. Would you like to order optional pretzel pellets for an additional charge?”
“NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!”
“No problem. Thank you. Your validity for passage has been confirmed. When it comes to air travel, we realize you have non-zero but limited options and we appreciate your choice of AllAmericanAirways.”
“You’re too wucking welcome.”
Ldawg slapped his transPod® into client-autoguide mode under AAAserver control. It dutifully jerked toward the jetway, joining streams of similar, though personalized, individual environment capsules, or iEpods™. Shiny decals of aliens and holograms of middle fingers danced off their contours. The stadium sized fuselage was nearly full on his level. As he was glided down the aisle, the nine pods in his row shifted out and back just as he arrived and his slid neatly into place, left-eyeport snugged neatly up against the multiCoat Plexiglas. The 10-10-10 configuration was a model of efficiency. Didn’t the French come up with decimal time, too? “CHARGE” and “LINK” indicators blinked as the transPod auto-Mated with the Airbus 999 and his accumulated waste was evacuated. A fresh breeze of tranquility pheromones wafted up through his custoForm bucket. It almost reminded him of a scratch-n-sniff post card of a New Jersey pine barren.
Ldawg.4377 cocked an eye to the left and gazed out at the wonder.
